The start of some transit so I was told....TAKING REAL ACTION NO IDIOTIC TALK time....

Dear fucktards, ass clowns,  psychologically tempting wish to explore your bullshit anymore...oh, I must have run out of give a damn....feel free to be the fake ass lying unable to take responsibility type of waste you've got going, someone is dreaming of you I'm sure - in someone's life who'll be just as blessed and burdensome as your mind thinks shit is for you. Good thing you don't have to tackle that utter bullshit- guess God knew that would be wasted time or who knows what your ass could've been useful for!

Starting back at 1...

Independence Day, the eve of my 1 year anniversary, the special event you ask? My crash course in police brutality and forced incarceration in the psychiatric hospital. Why? "Meth sores" which is now indicative of psychosis and delusional thinking in Arizona and allows them to legally carry out a mental health holocaust experience....All the rage in Southern Arizona and the preferred method of dealing with "seriously mentally ill" clients for law enforcement and mental health "professionals" I've found out 1st hand! Now, had I been violent or had a right to NOT have to leave my home (where I was the ONLY guardian of my 12 year old son at the time) at the demand of complete strangers without ANY introduction to the "mobile meth crisis unit"...3 oversized police officers, a sadistic sheriff's deputy and two unknown  mental health women not even employed by MY mental health provider...ironically I was supposed to be dangerous to my son who I had sent to my bedroom because of THEIR aggressive behavior after repeated requests for them to please stop encroaching on my personal space because "I have PTSD and I'm a rape victim" and if they knew ANYthing about me or my history they should've known that would trigger a response. All through my case file my number 1 trigger is "being touched by strangers"...let alone grabbed from behind by three men at the command of a leering, overweight deputy after being told of my pending, and apparently satisfaction inspiring, "involuntary arrest"...but my sarcasm - laced question of "because obviously an arrest would be involuntary,  "or do you have people just jumping into jail cells in Tucson, right?", was too intimidating for them to just ask me to stand up so they could cuff me I can now clearly see. Ok, well, then starting by letting my husband into our own home wouldn't have allowed me to see that THEY weren't a threat to my son and they couldn't find a more humane way to deal with me than to assault me and drag me out of my house, of course. ALL without even telling me what the hell they were even AT my house for in the FIRST place. Because someone who was sane would be totally rational if put into the same position as myself, and THAT was the judge of my psychosis and delusional thinking...yeah, no one normal would've been sarcastic or outraged or feel as if they'd just been stripped of their civil rights nor mind being manhandled by overgrown morons and if they'd had a fungal infection or ringworm or shingles even, then automatically they'd become meth sores and no attempt need be made to inform me of my supposedly unmedicated,  methed out state which was the basis for my sudden imposing danger to my son. Good thing he's not 12, and couldn't be trusted to judge his state of being in danger of me...because he DID NOT answer the DOOR for the 3 policemen (he did, I was in my bedroom...smoking a blunt...WEED, after having taken my medication) on the verge of sleep after doing homework for my online class all night-NOT a tweaker binge, but I'm not any expert. If he was in so much danger then why was he NOT taken before he came back to knock on my bedroom door to GET ME...because "they just had a few questions, if I wouldn't mind"...yup, mega meth head that I am, I LET THEM IN...like any other criminal would obviously!!! I'm sorry, what country do I live in again? Descendents of Hitler, you say?....Well, by all means, do come in...and completely ignore my child that you're terrifying...oh, yeah, you couldn't SEE him BEHIND you as you kept moving in on me like a pack of wolves...and I sent him to my room because such aggressive behavior without any explanation led me to the conclusion that I didn't want him to witness the coming actions by these officers...based on my extensive experience with law enforcement...because I earned my DEGREE in CRIMINAL JUSTICE....good thing I was being such a violent demented criminal because otherwise that could've been gruesome had I NOT had those nifty "meth sores" to go by!! I'm relieved that justice was served there...total sarcasm and tinged in bitterness with a dose of bravado to mask the utter devastation of being dragged out of my house without shoes and in my pajamas in front of my entire apartment complex and made to walk handcuffed over blistering hot asphalt and pushed into the back of a cop car. Ok, so how do normal people react to that treatment anyways? I'd like to see that please, because the following three days spent sobbing in my psych - jail bed higher than a kite on heroin withdrawal medication...because NOW I'm a heroin addict too it seems. Oh, that's not at all confusing to a stable mind and my crazy request to stop that medication because I'm not a heroin addict is acceptable because I'm in here for the meth sores. So, exactly WHAT do NORMAL people do in such an event? Yeah, I'm a year past this trauma and I'm STILL angry, outraged and NOW too afraid to ever call the police for ANY THING at all or open my door to them for anything!! It also takes my leaving the house and being part of society right off the table, because I can't feel safe in my own town. Now, "Officer Friendly" just seems like a really sick joke in my head and it's good they don't use that ruse anymore. Yeah I'm an 80 ' s kid...
So, here I sit with skin sores AGAIN, no son and no meth....on the 5th of July now (my anniversary)...wondering what excuse will be used to lock me up this time? The sores, the missed doses of seroquel that my case manager was supposed to have been getting prescribed to me by my doctor (got some on the "black market", but thanks La Frontera, for once more failing to do your JOBS though), my telling you my husband has sex with me in my sleep which is rape in my crazy mind, having a mini rehab in my home, eating too much....they actually don't need a VALID reason, I'm S.M.I...and my court-ordered medication not being taken is enough for another 72-hour evaluation which will become a battle this time because I'm not complying until I have many days in court and my assailants are no longer holding positions that allow them to terrorize and traumatize anyone else...possibly less acquainted with repeated traumas...before they completely destroy the mental health of someone already dealing with enough mental health issues of a lesser nature and make another "me". It took my son a month to leave his room, in an entirely different town, and he hadn't even SEEN the traumatic part...no, his fear came from my being arrested and brutalized because in his words, "they took my mom, and she wasn't doing anything wrong". Way to go, because having two felons as parents wasn't already enough, now all the years of non criminal living are wasted because you felt he should have his own reason to not trust the law, thank you really! I bet he gets the whole "meth-free alliance" gambit now though, before the only drug he was aware of was weed and good thing he hadn't been with me earlier than normal that year because his DAD had relapsed on meth and scared him, you stupid fucking assclowns!!! And I say that as politely as I can because I haven't had visitation with my son and I haven't talked to him since his 1 call last year. Forgive my anger and hatred, for shattering the innocence of my ONLY child AND my own belief in having ANY kind of rights or the knowledgeable state of the psychiatric profession or the ability to judge a cockroach race with any type of common sense or sense of reality. All my student loans should be waved for the three years of schooling because I wasn't given an education in criminal justice apparently, or I hadn't gotten to that class yet perhaps...and Applied Behavioral Science has failed to be applicable in my real world experience. I got ripped off and I don't thing I should be charged $40,000+ to have learned that fact. However, since they expected to charge my insurance for my 2 week imprisonment,  I'm guessing those loans will still remain my responsibility, which fits in with my general experience with irrational thought I'd say. I don't appreciate being placed in a position to hate anyone, by the way, and even my rapist didn't manage that shit so imagine my continued disillusionment when my awesome mental health care team fail to do a fucking thing besides paperwork and taking time off...just to end up with a new recovering meth addict as a case manager and ANOTHER doctor that can't be bothered to read a fucking patient file since he asks me about my Bipolar...and I have PTSD...hmmm? And if I tell them my fucking situation I find out that I have "great stories"...yeah if you're Satan's fucking child at bedtime! Apparently even my REALITY isn't real either which explains everyone failing to act AND my almost revisit to the psych ward when I tried to report it. Even THIS case manager just types it all down with not a single thing being done. Well, gee...since I can refuse my S.M.I. classification I would've thought I couldn't be THAT crazy I find it confusing to be treated like a lying mental case...suddenly,  since I've been that since 2009. Now I'm awaiting my upcoming home visit by my case manager to sign paperwork to end court ordered treatment, because NOW I get MORE sores YET AGAIN (4th time now)...I haven't gone to a doctor out of sheer terror of being locked up again without any investigation into WHY they keep occurring since THAT is what I now know happens. Lucky for me I just lost my insurance and my S.M.I. neighbor hasn't been ever so helpful about picking me up Lotramin cream which I've used to successfully treat these sores...fungal cream on meth sores who'd have thought! Yes, sorry, more sarcasm...I have a lot of that to spare since I haven't been able to work through things I can't even speak about with anybody because I am brushed off and not allowed to talk about it without the effectiveness of my medication being questioned because I'm angry and show emotion that isn't deemed to be expected or acceptable. You bet your fucking ass I'm pissed and if YOU wouldn't be than I am not ever going to rejoin the "normal" world because that's fucking insane and I'd rather stay crazy now thank you ever so much!! So, I'm expecting to be locked up again on Monday and I've already pre warned my case manager that this time I want a hair follicle test done and any time that it shows that I was NOT on meth which resulted in my traumas I want the jobs of anyone that continued this abortion of justice....miscarriage is an understatement at this point honestly and while I'll comply with my medications (that's how I've managed to continue to cope with this shit) I'm not leaving until this goes before the court and they have to PROVE their case before a jury of my peers because I have found my animals a home until I exhaust this matter so I won't just comply because otherwise I can't go home to them. It's been a year of hell on earth for me and I'm not going to let that shit continue without a fight. I've suffered enough and I WILL end up losing my fucking temper if I continue to let this abuse continue unabated. Who the fuck wouldn't,  because I call bullshit already!!! I'd like to see you after a year of being punished for having a fungal infection and being made into a prisoner in my home because of the scare tactics of the authorities and the mental health profession. However, since all the drug dealers I knew owe me money and my husband has isolated me from friends and family....am I going to be charged with something else this time? What kind of addict am I now? Maybe then someone would even bother to look into the very serious allegations made to multiple mental health staff members, the CPSA,  and my doctors'...I'm on my 3rd one in a year...then I expect a fucking answer to how I ended up living on the edge of eviction AND without electricity for 2 and 1/2 months while under a court order that claims that La Frontera is NOW responsible for ensuring that I have housing, my needs and transportation...I DID manage to get a ride to my doctor appointments so I guess that is something right? Can't get mad though, that's a crime punishable by incarceration. Now if I wasn't a drug addict before all this shit I'd be hard pressed to feel bad if I ended up as one because of all of it, and seroquel is highly addictive AND going without it I am totally unable to sleep so thanks for making sure I spend 4 days without it RIGHT before you plan on coming to visit though, that's kinda feeling like a set up to me, but that's my paranoid thinking because what ELSE would make a pretty sane person into a believer in conspiracy theories, ya know?
Well, let me bury you alive and leave you there awhile and after I dig you up we can see if you're at all changed by the thought of being trapped in tight spaces or anything alright? Yeah, bet you'd want medication huh? Me fucking too, and hurry it up before I think about it too much please! Jesus, even my nightmares seem like fun now that my reality managed to put them in perspective for me, and I can't be angry?? You got fucking brass ones seriously, the audacity of that makes me WANT to go visit the relatively normal seeming people I met in the psych ward oddly enough. Crazy, right? I know, I've been informed thanks! I now prefer the company of my two remaining dogs to that of people and my circle of trust ends there so I'm fine if humanity just stays the hell away from me and I mean even my "awesome,  perfect, earnest and LYING" husband...so I mean EVERYONE,  because I'm cool on that honestly, I've seen more than enough stupidity and incompetence at this point. Delusional to Disillusionment...well, what did you expect really? If you don't have four paws and play wrestle and come with a furry coat I've got nothing for you-literally and figuratively speaking by this point. Literally thanks to my husband and experience and shitty lowlifes. I just want to be left alone with my dogs-preferably without the reoccurring fungal infection from hell though...nice to know my husband has had numerous skin problems during his military service, oddly he never mentioned that at all, because his inoculated ass has even had MRSA....are you fucking kidding me here? Who do I slap the shit out of for their half assed detective work and all my awesome failures by those I'm supposed to rely on for my mental health care? Who do I sue first and is there a limit to the number of people I can have fired in one city? I wouldn't trust a court of law either at this point but just saying! Maybe in another country but it's unlikely! Cannibalism has a better chance at becoming an accepted practice in the U.S. than anyone has of repairing the damage of the last year that my psyche has suffered and that is complete honesty. Although honesty doesn't seem to be something anyone I've met could detect with a lie detector test let alone recognized when it occurs. Without going into any more of the damage caused by the actions and inactions of obviously bottom-of-the-barrel educational requirements needed to work in professions assumed to have professionals and authority figures in the western states, I am beneath any semblance of impressed by what I've been exposed to, to say the least, and by now I can't think of anything that could even redeem my opinion in that regard. "Couldn't find their asses with both hands and a flashlight in broad daylight" is my stance on the abilities of anyone in law enforcement and psychological matters! Thank you for ruining my two favorite areas of study...The law and psychology. I've wasted all my financial aid just to learn about what I'll never want to work in, and that I've wasted most of my life pursuing a more complete knowledge of...like I said, irreparable damage and that is saying something if you knew the "lifelong, reoccurring traumas" that LED to my PTSD designation AND my S.M.I. classification. However, now that I know that this makes me crazy it was special to be submitted to the derisively admitted PTSD designation of the police officer that came to my door to harass me and threaten me with reevaluation in the psych ward...I get locked up and he gets a badge and a gun-okay, I want HIS doctor please, since he's obviously getting better treatment. On that note, I'm going to take my illegally obtained SEROQUEL and go to sleep and HOPE that tomorrow's after - seroquel "fog" doesn't clear and I can have a day of pretending that all of this is okay and maybe I'll sleep another year of my life away! Good thing my neighbor knows where to find the medication we both need or we BOTH would've been wrecks by the time "independence Day" weekend was over...and she takes TWICE my dose (I have 400 mg a night), ALL her bills are paid through HER mental health provider, AND they ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HER....and we're BOTH S.M.I...funny that she actually holds the diagnosis that I got locked up as. Irony is a huge factor in my life by now, and still it fails to be at all amusing to me. Like I said...I want myself a doctor in THAT field of expertise! If I were a lesser being I would think God hated me or He has a sick sense of humor. I don't believe that of my creator,  but I've had ample cause to wonder by now. Do NOT take an S.M.I. classification in Arizona...no matter how comforting it sounds that it will ensure you receive help and medication if needed whether you have insurance or not (which I did NOT when I sought help after my abusive relationship ended). Now I don't WANT help, if I think I do I'll go buy a fucking book and teach myself!

Monday June 23rd...

It's 3 days before my son's birthday and 4 before my husband's....I'm beyond broke, no food in the house and sober too...and trying to figure out what all getting tangled with others is going to entail. I like a little community style family type vibe...sharing what we all have instead of worrying about looking out for ones self instead of looking out for each other. C worries about her ex getting in the way...please, never that! It's me, my babe, C and Froggy and our kids firstly.  Everyone else is secondary. Yeah we may be broke for now but it'll come back around, it always does!! I gave her the 3 comics from L to see what we can get for them,  hopefully enough to tide us over til payday. Then the next few will be tight cuz we gotta save half and still pay bills and be able to take care of the household til next payday. Start M off with silent backing but only in as far as making sure our needs are met. I'm giving this my last effort and if i get screwed I'm done. No more tries, no more helping and no more family ties. The black has to stop though cuz it's not good to feel like i do when it's exactly what I'm trying to feel relaxed and worry free. School should start back up soon hopefully and I can start getting that money coming back in. I wish I could do more I hate being without anything I can use to get money of my own coming in. I want to contribute but not at the expense of all my material shit. Cat made sure all that was gone already so I'm pretty much stuck right now! Would've been nice if I'd have gotten rid of her before all that happened, live and learn hmm! Oh well, not the world I want to be part of anyways...too much drama!! Please let this not turn out like that or anytime before that really. I know people are just out for themselves but for once could it not end with my getting fucked over or hurt or hurt D either cuz he's undeserving of that shit when we're just trying to help. Guess we wait and see huh?!

Jezze....November's heartbreak

A year...actually more than a year now I've been blogging, on WordPress but then they want me to pay out my ass to keep a domain name. Wtf? My blog name is Controlled Chaos II...so why was the domain name sweetnessmd.com? I don't get it, but it still let's me post. It's whatever well.
So I'm laying in bed, my lil Mamas curled up against my legs, I'll have to put her on my body pillow and then rub her belly til she falls back to sleep. Big Mamas is probably up against my husband's ass....that's his dog, after all I've been through with her she picks him...The nerve,  LOL!!! That's my lil huzzie, she loves me but that's daddy's little girl. Since we had to put my littlest angel, and both pups from the next litter. All she did was throw up one time but when she wouldn't eat I kept looking for signs of parvo,  white gums was a sign...White gums can also mean dehydration (I recently had to rub water on my pups gums and after a bit they started to regain their color). This pup had thrown up then too, the day before. So my husband rushes my angel to the vet and they say parvo...I've got no tests or results in my paperwork indicating that a fecal test was done and the virus was present or that she'd had her white blood cells elevated. I thought parvo and white gums too so I'm not blaming anyone but myself for not knowing it means dehydration too. So they sent her home with the I.V. With meds and 12 hours later she's shitting blood, she has a grand mal seizure and I'm rubbing syrup on her gums to try to bring her glucose levels up. Her blood turned toxic and I had to put her to sleep. What if it wasn't parvo? The other dogs share the same immunities being parent/siblings...Neither got sick? What if the medication killed my puppy, I may have killed her trying to save her. I miss her every day and I'll find myself crying and apologizing for letting her down, I failed her and if I'd just known more she might still be alive and here with me...All I have is pictures, and yet I have to be there for my other dogs too. But I miss each one that's gone and I don't feel as if that'll change. They were my children, I watched each of them come into this world and I've loved them all. They slept with me in my bed starting at about 3 weeks and the two I still have continue to do so. Where else would they sleep? I can't let go of my jezzeboo though, even moving from this hellhole I worry she'll stay here alone so I put off moving. I saw her one time briefly, at a rough time in my life and if I hadn't then maybe I'd believe she's in heaven and with me wherever I go. I still consider my second bedroom our room and use our blanket. She was mine from birth, I chose her...her name was sam. I asked her one day what name she wanted and when I looked at my phone she'd managed to type Sarah in the text box..coincidence, but kinda creepy! Perfect though, Sarah being Hebrew for princess. Both my cats have Hebrew names oddly but I had them before the pups. I let my husband name her and she became jezzebee...she liked it well enough. She was an instigator and a punky and bossy!! I have to keep my mind on my two right here though, and yet I'll talk to her at times. It sucks, and I hate that I may have killed her because she was misdiagnosed. She may have just had a stomach bug and if I'd have kept her hydrated she may have been fine. I can still see her calm steady gaze as she looked at me before she fell asleep, the love and trust and bravery. She didn't cry out in pain and even after seizing a few more times she tried to get up and move while I held her...not for anyone else just me. Okay, it's almost coming up on dawn now, but I had to write..to start somewhere in this mess of twists I call LIFE. That was in November, things keep twisting and turning and it's been one helluva year....