Jezze....November's heartbreak

A year...actually more than a year now I've been blogging, on WordPress but then they want me to pay out my ass to keep a domain name. Wtf? My blog name is Controlled Chaos II...so why was the domain name sweetnessmd.com? I don't get it, but it still let's me post. It's whatever well.
So I'm laying in bed, my lil Mamas curled up against my legs, I'll have to put her on my body pillow and then rub her belly til she falls back to sleep. Big Mamas is probably up against my husband's ass....that's his dog, after all I've been through with her she picks him...The nerve,  LOL!!! That's my lil huzzie, she loves me but that's daddy's little girl. Since we had to put my littlest angel, and both pups from the next litter. All she did was throw up one time but when she wouldn't eat I kept looking for signs of parvo,  white gums was a sign...White gums can also mean dehydration (I recently had to rub water on my pups gums and after a bit they started to regain their color). This pup had thrown up then too, the day before. So my husband rushes my angel to the vet and they say parvo...I've got no tests or results in my paperwork indicating that a fecal test was done and the virus was present or that she'd had her white blood cells elevated. I thought parvo and white gums too so I'm not blaming anyone but myself for not knowing it means dehydration too. So they sent her home with the I.V. With meds and 12 hours later she's shitting blood, she has a grand mal seizure and I'm rubbing syrup on her gums to try to bring her glucose levels up. Her blood turned toxic and I had to put her to sleep. What if it wasn't parvo? The other dogs share the same immunities being parent/siblings...Neither got sick? What if the medication killed my puppy, I may have killed her trying to save her. I miss her every day and I'll find myself crying and apologizing for letting her down, I failed her and if I'd just known more she might still be alive and here with me...All I have is pictures, and yet I have to be there for my other dogs too. But I miss each one that's gone and I don't feel as if that'll change. They were my children, I watched each of them come into this world and I've loved them all. They slept with me in my bed starting at about 3 weeks and the two I still have continue to do so. Where else would they sleep? I can't let go of my jezzeboo though, even moving from this hellhole I worry she'll stay here alone so I put off moving. I saw her one time briefly, at a rough time in my life and if I hadn't then maybe I'd believe she's in heaven and with me wherever I go. I still consider my second bedroom our room and use our blanket. She was mine from birth, I chose her...her name was sam. I asked her one day what name she wanted and when I looked at my phone she'd managed to type Sarah in the text box..coincidence, but kinda creepy! Perfect though, Sarah being Hebrew for princess. Both my cats have Hebrew names oddly but I had them before the pups. I let my husband name her and she became jezzebee...she liked it well enough. She was an instigator and a punky and bossy!! I have to keep my mind on my two right here though, and yet I'll talk to her at times. It sucks, and I hate that I may have killed her because she was misdiagnosed. She may have just had a stomach bug and if I'd have kept her hydrated she may have been fine. I can still see her calm steady gaze as she looked at me before she fell asleep, the love and trust and bravery. She didn't cry out in pain and even after seizing a few more times she tried to get up and move while I held her...not for anyone else just me. Okay, it's almost coming up on dawn now, but I had to write..to start somewhere in this mess of twists I call LIFE. That was in November, things keep twisting and turning and it's been one helluva year....